No No No
by the vortex of meow
Summary: In which Snape find out he has a daughter called Hermione and nobody believes him when he says no. /crack!fic


**Written for Quidditch League Forum.**

 **Round 8 - i love new storys, Falcons: Snape finds out that Hermione is his daughter but never found out about till she came to Hogwarts and looked kinda like him  
**

 **Team: Chaser 1, Kenmare Kestrels  
**

 **Prompts: _paintbrush, "Today is not a normal day",_ and ' _You have his eyes'_**

* * *

Being called into the Headmaster's office didn't often turn Severus Snape's life upside down. He was a _professor_ and under the direct authority of Albus Dumbledore. It was common to find himself outside this doorway. But after the war, it was hard to push away the bitterness and _insane_ urge to cry because of the memories of Lily Evan's death.

It had taken years to reach the point of crossing that border and remaining calm.

Snape was moving on.

 _Finally._

He waited for the Headmaster to wave him into a seat and sit down before asking, "Headmaster. What have you called me here for?"

Dumbledore frowned, gesturing towards the dish of sherbet lemon drops on his desk, "Come now, Severus. You haven't even had a lemon drop yet." Dumbledore plopped a few in his mouth, "Delicious, you must try one."

Snape could feel his heart start to race and his fists clench.

Albus was _hiding_ something. He was avoiding the topic and _hiding_ something that was bound be unpleasant and trying stick lemon drops in his mouth to distract him. He knew the old man's tricks.

"Severus..."

And _no._ He did not care if they were _sherbet lemon flavour, Albus._

Snape resisted the urge to throw the dish of lemon candies into the watching - and smirking - picture of Headmaster Dippet.

Dumbledore sighed, "You see through me, Severus."

How could he not? Dumbledore was an idiot Gryffindor. Very see through-able, those folks.

Dumbledore leveled his gaze on Snape and he tried not to squirm in his seat because that made it look he was some some disobedient first year.

Dippet was still smirking. Snape vowed to burn the painting one day. He never liked paintings, especially the live ones. To be honest, Snape never liked even _paintbrushes_ since that one horrifying time Lily tried to paint him when she was seven. You just don't give paintbrushes to over-excited seven year old children. You just don't.

Oh. Headmaster was saying something.

"Severus..." Dumbledore started, "The first years are coming tomorrow and I feel like there is something you should know..."

Snape stood up with a scowl, "I already know it, Headmaster."

Dumbledore blinked. "You do?"

Oh, how Snape knew...

"Many years I have dreaded it... " Snape gritted his teeth. "The return of the Potter boy."

"That's..." Dumbledore looked rather distressed. "Not what I was going to say..." Dumbledore brightened, "I'll just have Professor Flitwick tell you the real reason then. I've figured out there is no need to put my skin on the lin- _cough-_ I mean, it might be more preferably if you heard it from your own colleagues." Dumbledore concluded somberly.

Snape stared. "What?"

"Go on to Flitwick, Severus. He'll tell you the lovely news."

Snape stiffened. He never got _lovely_ news. Snape had been voted 'Most Emo Professor' three years in a row. To get _lovely_ news would knock him down a peg and, _damn,_ he wasn't going to lose to Grubbly-Plank _again._

"Why can't you tell me?"

"I'm very busy."

"Flitwick won't be happy."

"I'm paying him by hour and not by height. He should be overjoyed."

"You are skipping out on your duties, Albus."

"No, honestly, I'm very busy." He held up a balance sheet, "See? For obvious reasons the hallway on the second floor can't be remodeled."

"Obvious reasons?" He raised an eyebrow questioningly at the old man.

"Too many...candies.. " Dumbledore frowned at the lemon drops, "But no worries, we'll just tell the students that something dangerous is up there and they won't investigate. It worked last time."

Snape deadpan, "Two students died."

Dumbledore waved a hand carelessly, "We are still within limit then. I had the Ministry extend the _'how many student can die a year'_ clause since Harry Potter is coming to Hogwarts."

"Very wise," Snape drawled out and then hesitanted.

"Go on towards your _lovely_ news."

Dumbledore sound far too happy and it was _annoying._

Snape grumbled and hurried out the door to find out what news awaited him. Part of him breathed a sigh of relief that he left the Headmaster's office without his world turning upside down.

* * *

"Ah, yes, Snape..."

"Well? What is this so called _lovely_ news?"

"You have a daughter."

"Pardon?"

"You have a daughter."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"You do."

"How do you know?"

"Because Dumbledore told me."

"How did Dumbledore know?"

"How does Dumbledore _ever_ know?"

"Fair point. I don't have to listen to this rubbish anymore. I do not have a daughter."

"Her name is Hermione Granger and I suggest you deal with it."

" _I will not deal with it."_ Snape whirled around. His dark cloak spreading out magnificently behind him and he slammed the door with rightous anger.

How _absurd._

* * *

 _Today is not a normal day._

Is what Snape wanted to quote as he sat upon his perch watching the first years trail in through the Great Hall's door. Snape could feel it as he trailed his gaze over The-Boy-He-Must-Protect, another Weasley, his bratty god-son and his two blubbering bodyguards.

And...

This bushy haired girl called Hermione Granger.

Flickers of memories started to sip in and he _didn't like any of them._

Snape slammed his goblet down and tried to ignore the rest of ceremony.

He did not have a daughter.

* * *

"I'm your daughter."

Snape stared down his long crooked nose at the bushy-haired girl who had come knocking, _knocking_ on his door at _five in the morning._ Granted, he had been awake, but had this girl even slept?

 _Crud._

That was a sign of parental attachment. Snape quickly and firmly stomped on said attachment with a worn boot and a sneer. _Absurd._

"No, you aren't."

Oh yes. Very mature reply, Severus.

Granger gave him stern look which was impressive for a eleven-year old. "I am though."

"Even if that is so..." Snape sighed, "I'm not quite sure how you would've come to _be."_ He gestured at her to illustrate a point.

Granger gave a bossy sigh, "You see, sir. When a girl and a boy love each other very much... " She paused, "Or, in your case - "

He promptly covered her mouth because no child should say such things.

 _Damn parental instincts._

He removed his hand as quickly as possible. "Ten points from Gryffindor for offending a teacher."

Did he feel offended? Oh yes, he did.

Granger looked affronted, "I never - oh, nevermind. My mom warned me you would be like this." She huffed at him.

"She warned you?"

"Yes... and you know what she also told me?" Granger stared up at him and her dark eyes pierced through him. He froze, "She said and I quote 'You have his eyes'."

That was not _right._

"I don't expect special treatment." Granger stated, sticking her nose up in the air. "I'll be coming to every other day to you because I would like to know who my father is. My _true_ father is the one who raised me so don't get any ideas."

Snape was frozen.

Granger said, "I'm doing this because I feel like we both want to know a bit about each other." Her hands fluttered nervously at her side and in her front. Constantly moving, "And I'm willing to be the mature one here if I have to be."

They both waited in silence. Waiting for Snape to make a decision and Granger to hear it.

He breathed in... and then out.

Release the stress.

Finally, he snapped, "If you are _one minute_ tardy on your first day then fifty points from Gryffindor! Ten points from Gryffindor right this moment because you _obviously_ got your mother's brains and got Sorted in the stupid House."

She looked offended but Snape continued on right over her.

"After your classes, we can meet in my office." His eyes flashed at her. "Understand?"

There was hope burning in her eyes and Snape couldn't _stand_ to have that look directed at him for more than a few seconds and he broke eye contact with her

She nodded excitedly, smiling like a dumb Gryffindor. He huffed, "Don't be late!"

Snape slammed the door closed and gritted his teeth.

...

 _Parental instincts were so controlling._


End file.
